Presence=Absence of Fear Or simply being your full-hearted self

The last three years supporting my beloved partner, Gary, through dementia have caused me to examine what is really needed at this time: presence and compassion, providing dignity for people in distress. Dementia and brain deterioration seems in many ways to emulate the fear and confusion of our times. A general response to this brain deterioration perpetuates fear. This is similar with populations who are addicted, homeless, have mental illness or anyone who is different.

We were supported by health workers in both the care home, where he spent two months, and the hospital six weeks, that I eventually rescued him from, spending eight days at home before he died. In both facilities he resisted care focused on changing his briefs rather than communicating with his person. Gary, a man of passion, justice, kindness, committed to doing no harm was given a warning on his file labeled angry and aggressive. They would have preferred him to be well-behaved rather than adapt their care honoring his resistance to inhuman treatment.

What this labeling did was create fear in the workers. They were told to attend him in threes to manage the same task: changing his brief. Their fear created more resistance. We know this with animals and people fear begets fear (fight, flight, freeze). How often is this happening in our world? Disagreements are attended by lawyers, police, soldiers and governments and with disease, medication.

Fear is used out of ignorance, perpetuating power structures for a quick fix. Wars do not end they smolder, taking too many lives both from the oppressors and the oppressed.

Think of who or what you fear? How might presence and compassion be a useful antidote? During Gary’s illness, workers said to me in hushed tones, “You are so patient. How do you do it?”